These 2 movies made me cry. A Walk to Remember was about love, true love. Every sentimental, romantic girl would cry watching the end parts. The Last Song however, kind of spoke to me. Ronnie, held a grudge towards her father who was divorced to her mum and left them. She hardly forgave him. Then he called Ronnie and her little brother, Jonah to spend time with him during the summer after Ronnie graduated. They did. Jonah was happy and excited and Ronnie was reluctant. She was mean to her father; being sarcastic all the time and talk about the bad stuff, indirectly blaming him for the hurts and the pain. Slowly, she fell in love but that wasn't the main point of the story. Her relationship with her father got better eventually until she found out that he had cancer at the last stage. Ronnie then decided to stay back after the summer break to take care of him while Jonah went back with his mum.
The thing that struck me was that even though Ronnie's parents were divorced, somehow, she managed to get back into a nice and good relationship with her father. Well, of course, her father was a sporting and protective type. Unlike me Myanmar, traditional and closed father who doesn't show love and affection. One day I dreamed that satan met me. He came in the form of my dad and I knew it instantly it wasn't my dad. I chased him away in the name of Jesus. But when he reached the back door, I was going to shut it, he then told me, if I leave, this leaves too. He was pointing towards the body he took of, my dad. I didn't understand that dream. Until it came to past. Now, my dad doesn't come home anymore. You can say that my parents are separated but not divorced. He'll only come once in a while and that is only because he had some stuff do to or things he needed to take or give us.
All these while, I struggled to forgive him. When I forgive, he does things that angers me and the cycle repeats itself. Like Jonah, my brother doesn't feel anything. He's very good with dad. Like Ronnie, I can seriously be sarcastic and hateful behind my dad's back. In front of him, I'll pretend to be nice. But I'll say all sorts of mean things about him behind his back. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. He doesn't deserve my mother's love. He doesn't deserve God's free gift. How he blasphemed God and talked badly about my mum. He didn't deserve it. But then, when Ronnie was good with her father, it was a little too late. He was dying. In the end, he did die.
I dreamed again recently about my dad. He was dying. He was lying on a hospital bed. He looked cheerful and quite energetic. I dreamed on that bed, he pretended that he died. I was so scared, so frightened. After watching The Last Song, I'm thinking twice. He owns a Myanmar shop. I hate that place! It stinks! The people there behave like, like.. I don't even know what's the best word to describe it. The only good person there is a Christian helper, Diana. I pity her that she has to work it that horrible place. I would avoid seeing my dad. Even if he comes home, I'll stay upstairs and pretend that I didn't hear him come home. Seeing my dad would create a soft spot in me for him, which I despise. But, ever since the dream about satan met me, it really did happen.
When dad left, mum and I had the freedom to serve God without any fear of dad yelling or scolding or even calling. When he was still around, there was a hindrance from serving God freely without fear. But then, we had to pay the consequences of serving God freely without fear; he left us. He never was a father to me at the most crucial age of my life. He just hold the title "father". Sure, when I was a child, he played with me in his sarong and taught me a little bout self defense using a rolled up newspaper. I remember when I was toddler, the 3 of us (my bro wasn't born yet) would go out for walks. I remember he held a birthday party for me when I turned 6. He called his fellow Myanmar workers to cook their style of nasi bryani. It was delicious. But that all was in the past. When I was a teenager, growing up, he wasn't there. I began to understand things.
He complains about his life whenever it gets tough with money. He wants my mum to work, earn big to help ease his burden. He complained a lot. He said things which really hurt me; made me feel that my brother and I were a big burden to him. I felt so many times and told God, if I didn't exist, my parents' life would be much better. Their marriage would be much happier. My brother wouldn't make a difference, now that he exists. My dad loves him. Maybe more than me. I don't know. Parents always say that they love all their children equally. But we children don't see it that way.
As a Christian, I know in my head I must forgive my dad or else I'll rot in hell. But it's so hard. I, I can't forget the things he said and did. He doesn't understand me. And he would always say that I don't understand him and continued to say that when I grow up, I'll understand. He places money first in his heart. Not God, not my mum, not us his kids. I'll always forgive him in my head, but the hurt in my heart, the scars are always peeled fresh from time to time and it'll become a wound again.
Then again, I believe deep down in my heart, I still love my dad. Despite the hurt, the pain, the emotional negligence of his love and affection, I have a soft spot for him. I cannot bear the consequences of not forgiving him. What would I answer God when I face Him one day? And now, I am really scared of that second dream about my dad. The first dream came true. Now, I really am scared. Now, I can't bear imagine that he will remain in hell forever. Forever is a very long time... It never ends.
"Lord, I really want to forgive him. I just forgot how. It's been so long and so much has happened. Help me. You know my heart, deep down in my heart. You know, what I really am capable of doing. Help me find the strength and courage. I want to forgive like You did on the cross. In Jesus' name I pray: Amen..."
To those who read this, I hope that it will speak to you too. Whoever that you find hard to forgive, settle it now, before it's too late. God bless...
